Sunday, August 03, 2014

Job Performance Review

Having completed another year of being the Husband of the Domestic Goddess, I decided it would be fitting to have a job performance review for Bo Hunkmeister. I have posted the transcript of our review here in the interest of corporate transparency.

Me: Bo, for the responsibilities listed on your job description, you are currently being compensated with my unqualified love along with periodic performance bonuses of unlimited smooches and hugs. There’s also other compensation that, for the sake of corporate security, we will not disclose. Pending the result of this job review, there is the possibility of a raise in your compensation in the form of a Chicken Fried Steak dinner with the pie of your choice.
Bo: Uhhh... ok.

Me: Let’s get started. Bo, what do you think are some of the highlights of the past year?

Bo: Well, in addition to my usual responsibilities of being an excellent husband, I’ve talked you out of your tree more than a few times, I introduced you to some more fun relatives you didn’t know, and I took you and the children on a three week adventure. I was a big supporter of all of your projects (writing, sewing, knitting, and professional whining) and I also kept you well supplied with iced coffee, bubble teas and whatever other whim happened to prance across your mind.

Me: Too true. There were some real accomplishments this year. I especially appreciated your effort on the trip to make sure it was a vacation for me and not “same job, different location.” Ok, next question. What would you say your strengths are? What skills do you bring to this job?

Bo: One of my strengths is definitely understanding that even if I don’t understand what you’re upset about, if it’s important to you, than it’s important to me. My other strength is my ability to sense when you need an iced coffee and to deliver said iced coffee in a timely manner. I also have the ability to see when the children are eating your flesh and to step in before someone gets hurt and/or arrested.

Me: Yes, I have noticed that we have finished this 23rd year of marriage with the same number of children we started with. With regards to our shareholders, also known as the grandparents, that is a very important accomplishment. Let’s continue; what would you say your weaknesses are?

Bo: Well, the ‘Great Biscuit Incident of 2008’ was kind of a watershed moment for me, a turning point if you will, in my approach to this job from which I learned a lot and made a lot of changes. But, if I had to point out a weakness in my approach to this job, it would probably be not having engaged a psychotherapist to help me understand all 256 personalities within you.

Me: Yes, I understand being the Husband of the Domestic Goddess can be a challenge of heroic proportions, but then that is why you were chosen for the job. Maybe that’s something we can work on for the coming year. You certainly are always interested in ways to improve, which in itself is a laudable characteristic. So along that thought, are there any goals you’d like to set for the coming year?

Bo: I think some constructive goals for the coming year would be to continue to seek ways to do my job better and come up with more funny inside jokes that are too warped for us to share with the general public. And maybe buy stock in Dunkin’ Donuts. Yes... definitely buying stock.

Me: Well, Bo, I may be speaking a little too hastily here, not having convened with the board of directors, but I must say we are quite please with your performance. We will continue at your aforementioned compensation level along with the stated bonuses. We thank you for yet another year of wonderfullness and we look forward to next year’s review. In the mean time, let’s go get some Chinese food!

Bo: As you wish.