Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mother's Day 2013!

The lilacs are blooming, the yard sale signs are popping up, and I've been asked what I want for dinner Sunday night. This could only mean one thing: it's Mother's Day!!! That wonderful day when I actually have a legitimate excuse for slacking off. Come Monday, it will be simply because I'm lazy.

Because I know y'all are scratching your heads trying to think of something to get me, I'll help you out by making a list. What? You were not contemplating a gift for me? Well, just in case you change your mind, read on.

1. Armor Plated Knee Iron-Ons.
Denim pants have been in existence in Italy since Moses left Egypt (they created jeans and pizza, why do they not have the Nobel Prize?!?) However, it was Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis who, in 1873, made them the de rigueur boy clothing by dying the fabric blue and put copper rivets on the pockets to reinforce them. Had they consulted with their mothers, they would have made the knees out of copper as well.

He didn't have children so how was he supposed to know?

As durable as jeans are, my boys have blown out the knees on so many pairs that, in an attempt to not fill the local landfill to overflowing, I started to make tote bags out of the remaining fabric. Having made more than enough tote bags to supply every crafting mom out there, I'd like to have some copper iron-ons so my boy's jeans will last more than a month.

E-mail me and I'll send you a tote bag. Really. It will be my Mother's Day gift to you.

2. A Floor Cleaner of some sort.

I called Home Depot last week and asked them if they had self cleaning floors and they told me to stop making prank phone calls. I took that to mean they didn't stock self cleaning floors.

Having not received my previously requested Asimo robot, I would instead like Carson to stand in my kitchen so he can sweep every two hours. Oh, and while we're at it, send Anna to help keep the bathrooms tidy. But not Mrs. O'Reilly or Thomas. I don't like schemers. What's that, you say? It's just TV show?!?

Oh happy day! That means Matthew didn't really die!

3. Organizer Monkey.

You know how you spend a morning to organize your pantry nice and neat and then that afternoon you the children just throw stuff in there with utter disregard for the organization? And pretty soon, your previously neat and tidy pantry is a canned good death trap waiting for the next person who opens the door? Since it would be a bit cruel to keep someone in my closet, even with a healthy supply of Biscoff cookies, I'd like a trained monkey to stay in my pantry so I can hand him things and he can put them neatly on the shelf and I won't have to deal with Pantry Jenga. And he can also entertain the kids periodically.

Of course it's not MY pantry. I'm not going to show you my stash of Oreos.

4. Mud Room with Tub.

One way we notice the change of seasons here at Casa Diva is when the big can of hot cocoa mix stays full for more than a week, but the big can of lemonade mix needs replacing more frequently. Another way we tell the seasons are changing is when the floor in front of my back door is no longer cluttered with dirt covered snow boots but with dirt covered boys. Every spring and summer evening when the boys come back inside after their mandatory "Outside Time", I lean over to kiss one on the head. Without fail, I straighten up and find sand on my lips. So I make them march upstairs and bath EVERY EVENING. My guys are so adept at getting dirty that sometimes they have to take off their clothes right there at the kitchen door for fear of bringing a dump-truck worth of dirt into my living room. So I need an addition on the back of my house which is like one of those Japanese bathing rooms where I can scrub down the puppies before they even make it inside the living area, and then hose down the room itself after. A laundry chute that goes directly into an industrial strength washing machine would be a lovely bonus.

The room is designed to be hosed down. Genius, eh?

5. Stock in Pinkberry

I love their Salted Caramel yogurt. No, I mean I love it. Like, Dunkin Donuts is sending me plaintive emails asking if they said something wrong. So if I have stock in Pinkberry, then maybe I can make back some of the money I have invested there. What, they haven't done an IPO yet? Grrr. I'll take a medium with dark chocolate crisps, chocolate covered pretzels and mochi bits while I wait.

Pinkberry, you complete me.

Well, that's my gift list for now, folks. To all you moms out there, pat yourself on the back and say, "Well done sista!" To the rest of you, rub her feet!