Saturday, February 11, 2012

How Much is a Bo Hunkmeister Worth?

This article about how much a mom would make if she were paid made the rounds of Crackbook recently. I see these kind of articles every year or so. I’m not sure what the point is of these articles. Are we trying to validate moms? Is it a slow news day? Have the Kardashians not done anything outrageous lately? Oddly enough, I never see one about how much husbands/fathers are worth. So being the servant of the public good that I am, I took it upon myself to try and figure this out. Please be aware that I’m basing this article on Bo Hunkmeister and what he does around our house. In light of how fabulous he is, I would suggest a 20% reduction in the final salary for the average American Dad (excluding my own dad, of course)

Ok, let’s get started:

1. Driver
    When Bo’s at work, I drive the kids to where ever they need to go, but when Bo is home, he does all the driving and I pretend like I’m Miss Daisy. Why, I’d sit in the back sipping tea if it wasn’t for all those kids taking up the seats. Seeing as how he’s at work most of the time, I’ll use the Yahoo article number reduced by 50%.

2. Animal Control Officer
    As much as Bo and I try to keep a calm and peaceful household, periodically the cup doth runneth over. Every once in a while when things get a little too hairy here, and I get to my wit’s end, Bo takes charge and restores order. Additionally, as I explained before, one of my boys’ favorite pastimes is wrestling. Being the delicate flower that I am, I leave this activity to Bo as well. For these tasks, I’d use the phrase “Child Care Provider” but let’s be real here. With four young lively boys I think my term is more accurate. Given that one of them is still toilet training, I’m going to toss in an extra 20% hazard pay.

3. Therapist
    After a trying day, Ive been known to look at Bo and ask, “Are you the only other non-idiot besides me?” To this, he gently replies, “Tell me about your day, sweetie,” and then I vent on him like a F-15 fighter jet. After composing myself, we discuss things, he gets me to put the explosives away and life is good again. Or there are times when my children and I have lost the ability to speak the truth in love to each other. Bo is able to calm everyone down, get to the root of the problem and speak to everyone in ways we chose not to previously. I’d lend Bo out to the UN, but he’s got his hand full here at home.

4. Massage Therapist
    For fear of going into TMI territory, I’ll just leave this one short and sweet. I like frequent foot rubs and/or back rubs. Were I to purchase these services, not only would I have to put my coffee down and go some where, but I’d be out $37,000/year.

5. Accountant
    Running a family such as ours on one income is no small feat. In order to keep the Domestic Goddess in the lifestyle according to which she has become accustomed to, we have a budget. Making sure we stay on that budget is the kind but firm Bo Hunkmeister. He diligently tracks our spending, records our transactions, and balances the check-book so I have enough money for more books and Dunkin Donuts coffee food and clothing. Due to his efforts, we manage to make things work in a state where the governor is so hard pressed for cash, he wants to tax soda. Yes, soda. To pay a professional and, most likely, a less handsome man to do this accounting, would set me back about $60,000/year.

6. Handyman
    We own a house and have six kids so as you might guess, in addition to the typical homeowner maintenance like sinks exploding, things break frequently around here and when they do, we turn to Bo. I’ll cook, stitch or knit something together, but everything else lands on his work bench; broken furniture, broken toys, broken children, etc. With a mix of duct tape, gorilla glue and a few power tools, Bo repairs that which would have headed out to the junk heap (excluding the children, of course)

7. Stylist, Travel Agent, Errand Boy/Personal Assistant, Cheer-Leader, Cabana Boy
    Honestly, I don’t know how I got into art school. Maybe I was part of their affirmative action plan for Long Island mall chicks. But for the life of me, I am lacking in the fashion areas. I have frequently asked Bo to dress me as I’m at a loss for what to wear or what goes with what. 
   Then there are all those smaller but no less important things Bo does around here. He arranges the travel and accomodations when we take trips, he goes to the store to fetch things for me, he’s my biggest cheerleader when it comes to encouraging me in my various projects and I’ll leave the cabana boy part to your imagination. I’d google the salary for stylist/personal assistant/cabana boy, but I’m a bit scared at what hits I would get so I’ll just make up a number

So my grand total for what I’d have to pay someone to replace Bo should he run off and join “Stars on Ice” is $292,724. That’s really a lot more money than I’d make blogging here. Seeing as how I can’t earn the cash to pay Bo what he deserves, maybe I’ll make him one of these.


Bo said...

You'll need the full $292,724 for my heart transplant after the "bacon explosion" almost kills me.

Becky said...

Somehow I knew that whatever the "these" was it would have bacon in it. But is the bacon wrapped meat for him or you? Oh woman who buys chocolate with bacon in it. lol.

Kelly said...

It wouldn't be a bad way to go, though...