Thursday, July 07, 2011


After fourteen years of parenting, I believe I have come across irrefutable evidence that evolution could not have occurred. One of the main tenets of evolution is survival of the fittest or natural selection wherein only those living organisms with physical attributes favorable to survival live long enough to pass on their DNA.  If this is true, then boys would have died out long ago. I’m not entirely sure how early boys (I’m talking Pre-Cambrian here) lived long enough to pass on anything beyond gas, let alone DNA. I will elaborate on my theory for the rest of you who do not have boys, because those who have one or more boys are nodding your head emphatically saying, “Yes, I believe!”

I started my parenting journey with girls; quiet, sensible, girls. Then I had boys, and daily I am dumbfounded on how these puppies make it through the day.

honestly, he would have maimed himself before he created the Death Star
First of all, they’re noisy. It’s as if there’s an ongoing noise generator in their little heads and if they don’t release some noise pressure by singing, chanting or other forms of noise making, their heads will explode in a cacophony of sound. And when they’re not making noise, they’re asking questions.

I made the near fatal mistake of taking my four boys to the grocery store. I say near fatal because they all made it back home. I had more questions in that 45 minute period than a politician at a prayer meeting.
“Mom, what’s for dinner tonight?”
“Mom what if my name was Farboogerwinkle?”
“Mom, what would you think if I could fly?”
“Mom what’s for dinner tonight?”
“Mom, why is that guy dressed like that?”
“Mom, where’s Dad?”
“Mom, can I watch tv?”
“Mom, what’s for dinner tonight?”
“Mom, why does Pikachu never battle with Gorganzobot?”
“Mom, what would happen if we lived at the grocery store?” (gee, I thought we already did)

and on and on and on and on.

and on.

and on.

And it really doesn’t matter if you answer the question because they will ask it again. Or the other boy who was staring right at you when you answered it the first time wants to know if he will get the same answer in his own time/space continuum or if, by some miracle, the answer for him will be “pizza.”

By the end of the shopping trip I was ready to sell them to the first roving band of gypsies that came by. Heck, the gypsies didn’t even have to be roving. However, because I spent quite a bit of time and effort birthing these boys, I decided to take them home.

I had to wonder, though. Somewhere in prehistoric times, were there some little male velociraptors asking lots of question in a similar manner? Because I believe the parent velociraptor, lacking my maternal inclinations, would say to him, “What little brain I have is about to melt as a result of all these questions so I’m afraid I’m going to have to eat you.” How many times could an early caveman have answered, “What if my name was Quarkiemcfinklepuss?” before he bludgeoned the guy?

The second reason I question the boy species survival is their inability to consider personal safety. We have a picnic table in our yard. Our boys think it’s a good idea to stand on this picnic table and wrestle until one of them falls off. Please keep in mind, they have already fallen off the table, bonked their heads on the ground and cried in pain. Yet the next day, they still consider wrestling on the table to be good fun. My boys probably would have had great careers in science had they grasped the ongoing reality of gravity, hard surfaces and its effect on their heads. It’s not just my boys either. I remember my brothers thought that hiding on top of a one story garage roof and then jumping off to scare one of their friends was a good idea. My husband said that most of the scars men have on their bodies started with, “Hey guys, watch this!” Consider all this in addition to boys’ natural inclination to bugs, explosives and all things dirt and you really must consider the low probability of their survival as a species. In trying to get through the mayhem that was early life on earth, who had time to rescue the boy who thought it would be fun to get a whisker off that saber tooth tiger?

As complicated a creature as women are, and tasked with the enormous job of trying to keep men alive, I find it very hard to believe that women evolved from some simple single cell amoeba. Woman was created by God after the angels told him that the dog was having a hard time trying to keep Adam from killing himself in the Garden of Eden.

Mayhem? What mayhem?


Bo said...

Somewhere between the ages of 15 and 25, most boys learn how to not kill themselves. I said MOST. Sorry baby, no guarantees.

Mamala said...

My dearest daughter-in-law, when are you going to publish that book that I think you should write? I know you don't have lots of extra time, but really, really consider it. love, Mamala

Mamala said...

dearest Daughter-in-law,
when are you going to publish that book that I think you should write, you know, in your spare time. :). really, you are such a talented writer - the new and improved Irma Bombeck.
love, Mamala

kenny g said...

err.... if people are in general considered children of God, and Jesus was his only son, then we are all his girls?

The Domestic Goddess said...

adoption, darling, we're the adopted kids.