Friday, May 06, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Oh Mother's Day, how do I love thee? That lovely day of the year when I tell my darling children "Of course we're going out to dinner!"

In case there are last minute concerns as to how to cater to my needs, I, in all humility, have compiled a helpful list for you. 'Cause I'm all about public service...

1. An All House, Ultra Violet Sanitizer

You know those techno-cool ultra violet lights the dentists use to sanitize dental instruments? Well, between a toddler who's being potty trained and a cat who's losing her marbles (among other things), I need one of those sanitizers bad. I'm envisioning a huge light, centrally located. Then, instead of cleaning my house one Clorox handi-wipe at a time, the kids and I could just pop on our glasses, flick the light switch and Voila! Clean floors once more!
If I can't have this then I definitely need stock in whoever makes the Clorox handi-wipes.


2. Oreo DeCalorie-izer
One can dream, can't they?

If I had my way, Oreos would be on the Food Pyramid. The big, thick chocolatey foundation to the rest of all nutrition. However, until that glorious day arrives, I need a DeCalorie-izer. This delightful machine would electronically remove the calories but none of the chocolatey goodness from a bag of Oreos so I wouldn't have to spend an extra three days on my elliptical machine to offset the bag I just snarfed down.


3. Pedicure Slippers
I'm a stay at home mom, and while I do not pass my days eating bon-bons, I do spend an inordinate amount of time in slippers. So I figured, why not have a pair of slippers that could massage my feet, moisturize and paint my toenails so when I do wear black patent leather peep toe Christian Louboutins grown-up shoes, my feet are not so scary looking.


4. "Fresh Clean Baby Smell" Room Deodorizer

You sniffed your computer screen, didn't you?
 There is truly nothing lovelier than sniffing the freshly shampooed curly locks of a baby after a bath. Given all the other funk that periodically wafts through my house, I'm in desperate need of something that, for a brief shining moment, will invoke thoughts of babies, sunshine and unicorns giggles. If we could ship these to all the troubled spots in the world, we'd probably have peace by next Friday.


5. Repetitive Answer App.
This is a frequent occurance in our house:
Baby: "Momma, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later...
Princess Buttercup: "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....
Tater: "Mommy, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....

Princess Git Er Done: "Ma, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....

W. Bear: "Mom, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD! LOBSTER TAILS, STEAMED HARICOT VERT AND CREME BRULEE!!!"
W. Bear: "Gee whiz, what's with the grumpiness?"

Now as you can see, none of the kids did anything wrong, but when faced with the same question being asked five separate times, one gets. a little. edgy. What I need is a voice activated device that will repeat my answers five times so I don't have to. So a new and improved day at Casa Diva will sound like this:
Baby: "Momma, where's Daddy?"
Mom: "At work honey."

Princess Buttercup: "Hey Mom, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

Tater: "Mommy, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

Princess Git Er Done: "Ma, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

W. Bear: "Mom, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."
W. Bear: "Gee Mom, you have such a serene countenance..."

 (seriously, he would use those words)

Happy Mother's Day Divas! Enjoy the pampering!

3 comments:

Maria said...

LOVE It!!!!!!!!!!
Have an awesome Mother's Day Dawn.

Amanda in RI said...

Dawn, I know I *only* have 3 kids :), but there are FOUR other people in the house besides me, and when any 2 of them ask me the same question in the same 30 minutes, I do a public service announcement where:

I make them ALL sit on the couch

and

I repeat the information at the top of my lungs

and

I forbid anyone to ask the same question again.

:)

Drives me crazy.

Kelly said...

How on Earth did word about the lobster tail meal not spread through the family grapevine immediately?? Also...I'm hungry now. Thanks for that.