Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Benefits of Being a SAHM

A friend posted an article on Crackbook FriendFace Facebook that I thought was kind of funny. It was a list of questions that help distinguish between a stay at home mom and her office bound husband. It lists the usual downsides of being at home all the time, many of which I am well acquainted with. Like the inability to finish a complete


wait


what?



But of course, the contrarian in me couldn't help but think of responses to the article. I proceeded to list them in the comment box when Bo Hunkmeister said it should be a blog. He mourns the fact that Facebook killed the blog by giving us all ADD. So in my attempt to regain the ability to focus on a task for more than



uh



five minutes, I thought I would post my response here.



Benefits of being a stay at home mom:

1. I can appease my co-workers with a simple freeze pop.

I'll even let you have the blue one.

2. I can send my coworkers to their room for time out if they fuss at me.


Did I whine too much about the sales report?
3. If I need a half an hour of peace and quiet, I can turn on the TV. Can you imagine Bo at work: "Joe, you're getting on my nerves so why don't you sit down here and watch Caillou?"






4. In order to call a meeting, I don't have to deal with scheduling, sending out emails or inter-office memos. I just stand in the middle of my living room and bellow, "Everyone in here, NOW!"

5. No one tells Bo he's blessed when he's out with six of his coworkers. I go anywhere past my front door step with more than three of my kids and people look at me wide eyed and say (rather emphatically, I might add) "Are they all yours? God bless you!"


6. I make pizza for dinner, throw "Monsters Inc" on the TV, and I'm the best boss in the whole. wide. world.

7. I can eat the last piece of chocolate cake because I'm the mommy, that's why.

8. Sometimes the mood hits me and I just want to hug and cuddle one of my coworkers. I'm pretty sure Bo would be fired if he did this at his office.

Uhh, can I go back to work now Mom?

9. I can't be fired

10. I can't be outsourced

11. My coworkers can attempt to lodge a complaint about me with the Human Resources manager (a.k.a. Dad) but Human Resources knows which side of the bread the butter is on.

12. Do you have pajama Fridays where you work? Didn't think so.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Oh Mother's Day, how do I love thee? That lovely day of the year when I tell my darling children "Of course we're going out to dinner!"

In case there are last minute concerns as to how to cater to my needs, I, in all humility, have compiled a helpful list for you. 'Cause I'm all about public service...

1. An All House, Ultra Violet Sanitizer

You know those techno-cool ultra violet lights the dentists use to sanitize dental instruments? Well, between a toddler who's being potty trained and a cat who's losing her marbles (among other things), I need one of those sanitizers bad. I'm envisioning a huge light, centrally located. Then, instead of cleaning my house one Clorox handi-wipe at a time, the kids and I could just pop on our glasses, flick the light switch and Voila! Clean floors once more!
If I can't have this then I definitely need stock in whoever makes the Clorox handi-wipes.


2. Oreo DeCalorie-izer
One can dream, can't they?

If I had my way, Oreos would be on the Food Pyramid. The big, thick chocolatey foundation to the rest of all nutrition. However, until that glorious day arrives, I need a DeCalorie-izer. This delightful machine would electronically remove the calories but none of the chocolatey goodness from a bag of Oreos so I wouldn't have to spend an extra three days on my elliptical machine to offset the bag I just snarfed down.


3. Pedicure Slippers
I'm a stay at home mom, and while I do not pass my days eating bon-bons, I do spend an inordinate amount of time in slippers. So I figured, why not have a pair of slippers that could massage my feet, moisturize and paint my toenails so when I do wear black patent leather peep toe Christian Louboutins grown-up shoes, my feet are not so scary looking.


4. "Fresh Clean Baby Smell" Room Deodorizer

You sniffed your computer screen, didn't you?
 There is truly nothing lovelier than sniffing the freshly shampooed curly locks of a baby after a bath. Given all the other funk that periodically wafts through my house, I'm in desperate need of something that, for a brief shining moment, will invoke thoughts of babies, sunshine and unicorns giggles. If we could ship these to all the troubled spots in the world, we'd probably have peace by next Friday.


5. Repetitive Answer App.
This is a frequent occurance in our house:
Baby: "Momma, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later...
Princess Buttercup: "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....
Tater: "Mommy, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....

Princess Git Er Done: "Ma, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "Lobster tails, steamed haricot verts and creme brulee."

few minutes later....

W. Bear: "Mom, what's for dinner?"
Mom: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD! LOBSTER TAILS, STEAMED HARICOT VERT AND CREME BRULEE!!!"
W. Bear: "Gee whiz, what's with the grumpiness?"

Now as you can see, none of the kids did anything wrong, but when faced with the same question being asked five separate times, one gets. a little. edgy. What I need is a voice activated device that will repeat my answers five times so I don't have to. So a new and improved day at Casa Diva will sound like this:
Baby: "Momma, where's Daddy?"
Mom: "At work honey."

Princess Buttercup: "Hey Mom, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

Tater: "Mommy, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

Princess Git Er Done: "Ma, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."

W. Bear: "Mom, where's Daddy?"
Repetitive Answer App: "At work honey."
W. Bear: "Gee Mom, you have such a serene countenance..."

 (seriously, he would use those words)

Happy Mother's Day Divas! Enjoy the pampering!