Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Public Service Announcement #2

You will never hear me say that I'm any expert on child rearing. I know the nanosecond I say that, my kids will eagerly show how I'm not. I have, however, realized a few things over my 10 years of 5 kids and one is that the baby industry preys on hormonal pregnant ladies. More than half of the stuff sold in Babies R Us is not necessary. If you take a gander at the book Material World: A Global Family Portrait by Peter Menzel, you might think it was closer to 95%. Anyway, my neighbors are expecting their first and as per American custom, registered at Make Money Like Fiends Babies R Us. I've decided to help them out with my own list of necessary baby items.

Things you don't need:

1. A nursing cover. You say you're modest now but all modesty will leave after your labor experience. Modesty is a luxury for men and single women who don't go to their doctors regularly, and nosey people should mind their own business!

2. Shopping cart seat covers. Once you see your kid eat cheerios off the floor, you'll realize this was in vain. Besides, it's one more thing to wash when you get home.

3. Baby bath tub. The little nubber will sit calmly in this for about a week and then realize that splashing is lots of fun. You'll be left with an even bigger mess than before.

4. Gi-huge-ic plastic diaper bags in pastel colors with cartoon characters. You do want your husband to change the baby while you're both out, yes? Get something that won't emasculate him on the way to the changing area.

5. Baby bath towels with the hoods. It is unlikely a baby will get pneumonia in the five minutes between getting out of the bath and getting into their fleece jammies. Your own lovely bath towels work just fine.

6. Small bibs. What delusional human being thought that babies would limit their meal time mess to a 6"x6" area on their chests? You want these from IKEA. The only thing missing is a hood.

Things you do need:
1. Telekinetic powers or the Honda Asimo robot. Without fail, as soon as you sit down to nurse, the phone or door bell will ring, you'll get a runny nose, and/or be insanely thirsty and you will have nothing to help you. While Asimo is cool, I think the telekinetic powers might be cheaper.

2. Mini Van. The ability to buckle in Precious without your tush hanging out in the rain is priceless. If you think you won't look cool in a mini van, just slap some flames on the hood and you'll be the envy of the neighbors. No really, just ask ours.

3. A stroller that closes up in one try.
This saves on having to un-teach the kids all those swear words which they will gladly repeat in front of your mom.

4. A multi surface steam cleaner
and a case of Clorox sanitizing wipes. Potty training? Stomach bug? Need I say more?

A shot gun. Its 6:00 am. You've just gotten Junior back to sleep after two hours of crying (yours and his) and you collapse into your bed. Then a car alarm goes off or someone honks for his morning coworker. You'll definitely want a shot gun and I know any cop with kids will understand.

6. A gift certificate to Old Navy. This is for mom to buy twelve of those stylish, yet eminently washable tops. I've gone through four shirts in a day with a burpy baby, and that's with trying to ignore the small stains.
So there you have it folks. You seasoned moms, if you have a minute to spare (Bwah, ha, ha!!) what are your suggestions?


Anonymous said...

Great post, dear. I can see you've been inspired by Fussy. -Bo

shella said...

As I told the guy I worked with when he had son number 3.. You need Krazy glue.. in the ER is's called dermabond..but it's the same thing.. has saved me many trips for "does that need stitches? cuts..
Note not for large gaping wounds just the little winking but slightly deeper than a band aid can handle I am stilling on the fence does it need stitches cuts....

Karen said...

LOVE IT!! SO TRUE! I think I NEED a helmet for all the flying objects my toddler throws. Case in point.. the sippy cup that barely missed my head a few seconds ago!

I do like the little bibs for my heavy droolers... It saved me from changing 400 shirts a day when they soaked them with spit up/ drool.

themommykelly said...

What a truly relevant post! Very clever. Loving it!

Jordana said...

Brilliant gift suggestions and don't needs.

The amount of stuff a baby needs is always far smaller than parents of one child seem to think. Yet they will never believe me when I tell them that some of that stuff is worthless.