Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Lovely Day at the Park

Like a good mommy, I gathered up the kiddos and took them to the local park to play. My two daughters and my son got on this jungle gym in the shape of a truck. Number two daughter put herself in the driver's seat with my son next to her and yelled across the park to me, "Hey Mom, get in the truck, we need a load!" Kids....aren't they cute?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Stylin' in Roe Die-lin'

As I have mentioned, I have been lately spending waaaay too much time at Mrs. Fussypant's blog (Mom? Can we eat today? Mom? Baby's playing with knives again! Mom? You haven't moved from in front of the computer for three hours!) I entered the blog's Caption Contest and won a lovely pair of earring made by Mrs. Fussypants herself!

Do I look lovely or what? Not only do they look beautiful but they will go with the leather pants I was going to wear to the homeschooling conference in 2 weeks. All I need are some shoes. Any suggestions? They must be comfortable to walk around ALL DAY in. Don't suggest high heels of any sort because, after five kids, I'm done being a fashion victim. If you want a pair of equally fashionable earrings go here.

Honestly Fussy, not fuh nuthin', at a RISD Art Sale, these babies could go for $40. Easy.

By the way, taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror is a lot harder than you think. Hubby had to take these for me. Please congratulate me on not resorting to Photoshop to take out the blemishes (my souvenir of a case of shingles).

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Fight the Frump From Within

My dear friend Gail recently turned me onto a great blog "Mrs. Fussypants Guide to Life" which I have been reading diligently. If only I could apply that diligence to say...schooling the kids.....eating right....exercising....silly things like that. But I digress...

Anyway, Fussy has a great Friday feature called "Fight the Frump" and I couldn’t agree with her more. Just because you had only four hours of sleep, the baby is fussy and you have constant schmutz on you, that doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best. Studies have shown that (don't you just love that phrase? what study? by who? when?) when you dress well, you feel better about yourself and what mom doesn't want to feel better about herself?

Just like the saying 'Beauty comes from within', so does frumpiness. That's right ladies, I'm talking about your unmentionables, your support system, your undies!

At this point, I'm going to ask all men and people related to me to find another blog lest I embarrass them or me.

Now where was I? Oh yes. Honey, if you're wearing the underpants that go up to your ribs (something that big can't possibly be called panties) and a bra with more fabric than the shirt you have on, you're going to feel frumpy. If you have something pretty and lacey underneath, you'll feel pretty, and some of that countenance will be evident even when cleaning up the juice spills. You need to get yourself something that's relatively new, perhaps with some color and definitely with elastic that works! Now I'm not saying you have to go to Victoria's Secret and drop loads of cash for...well...what amounts to 12" of very thin ribbon. But get something you can afford that you can look at and say "Gee, that's pretty!" versus "Hey, it's on sale!" Start being stylish from the get-go 'cause girlfriend, you are worth it!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Public Service Announcement #2

You will never hear me say that I'm any expert on child rearing. I know the nanosecond I say that, my kids will eagerly show how I'm not. I have, however, realized a few things over my 10 years of 5 kids and one is that the baby industry preys on hormonal pregnant ladies. More than half of the stuff sold in Babies R Us is not necessary. If you take a gander at the book Material World: A Global Family Portrait by Peter Menzel, you might think it was closer to 95%. Anyway, my neighbors are expecting their first and as per American custom, registered at Make Money Like Fiends Babies R Us. I've decided to help them out with my own list of necessary baby items.

Things you don't need:

1. A nursing cover. You say you're modest now but all modesty will leave after your labor experience. Modesty is a luxury for men and single women who don't go to their doctors regularly, and nosey people should mind their own business!

2. Shopping cart seat covers. Once you see your kid eat cheerios off the floor, you'll realize this was in vain. Besides, it's one more thing to wash when you get home.

3. Baby bath tub. The little nubber will sit calmly in this for about a week and then realize that splashing is lots of fun. You'll be left with an even bigger mess than before.

4. Gi-huge-ic plastic diaper bags in pastel colors with cartoon characters. You do want your husband to change the baby while you're both out, yes? Get something that won't emasculate him on the way to the changing area.

5. Baby bath towels with the hoods. It is unlikely a baby will get pneumonia in the five minutes between getting out of the bath and getting into their fleece jammies. Your own lovely bath towels work just fine.

6. Small bibs. What delusional human being thought that babies would limit their meal time mess to a 6"x6" area on their chests? You want these from IKEA. The only thing missing is a hood.

Things you do need:
1. Telekinetic powers or the Honda Asimo robot. Without fail, as soon as you sit down to nurse, the phone or door bell will ring, you'll get a runny nose, and/or be insanely thirsty and you will have nothing to help you. While Asimo is cool, I think the telekinetic powers might be cheaper.

2. Mini Van. The ability to buckle in Precious without your tush hanging out in the rain is priceless. If you think you won't look cool in a mini van, just slap some flames on the hood and you'll be the envy of the neighbors. No really, just ask ours.

3. A stroller that closes up in one try.
This saves on having to un-teach the kids all those swear words which they will gladly repeat in front of your mom.

4. A multi surface steam cleaner
and a case of Clorox sanitizing wipes. Potty training? Stomach bug? Need I say more?

A shot gun. Its 6:00 am. You've just gotten Junior back to sleep after two hours of crying (yours and his) and you collapse into your bed. Then a car alarm goes off or someone honks for his morning coworker. You'll definitely want a shot gun and I know any cop with kids will understand.

6. A gift certificate to Old Navy. This is for mom to buy twelve of those stylish, yet eminently washable tops. I've gone through four shirts in a day with a burpy baby, and that's with trying to ignore the small stains.
So there you have it folks. You seasoned moms, if you have a minute to spare (Bwah, ha, ha!!) what are your suggestions?

More Mariah Moments

I've been having quite a laugh with everyone's Mariah moment. I'm kind of thinkin' I should send some of these to her but she's in Paris (is there e-mail in Paris or is that too American?)

A good friend of mine in college graduated with Debbie Gibson, so we got to commiserate from time to time. Also in college, I mentioned that I had gone to school with her, and two women in the room asked me where, and when I said Harborfields, they asked if I knew Rachel Fenderson (they had played basketball with her)... Someone who was in a show with me found out about my connection, and the very next thing he said was, "So, was she a bitch in high school?" (This guy once had Jim Breuer walk all over his laundry, which he had dropped on the sidewalk, and he then proceeded to tell him off, adding, "and you sucked when you were on SNL!" - much to the amusement of the female SNL costar walking with him.).

But you should all check out this past week's episode from the NPR show "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me": click on the "Listen to show" link at the top. If you don't want to listen to the full show, just fast forward to the Bluff the Listener segment (about 11-12 minutes in). I think you'll like it. --Dennis

(Listen to the NPR bit and then you can be in the know about the following)

Here is a fierce grizzly bear in the wild.

Studies have shown that soft soothing music can turn even the wildest beast docile.

A little "Vision of Love" has turned our fierce bear into a more loving, peaceful member of the planet

In 1992 (pre-boob job [I'm talking about Mariah, not me]), I was student-teaching in the Boston Public Schools. There was a 16-year-old student in choir who was smart yet annoying (I heard every day about her "hanging out" with the guys from New Kids...yeah, I wouldn't have bragged about it either). Anyhoo, she was a huge Mariah fan.
One day she came into class & excitedly showed me her latest purchase, a Mariah songbook. She was going to learn every last one of those songs on the piano. The next day, she called me over to the piano - "Miss! Miss!" (They never used names, only "Miss" or "Mr.".) She played the first 4 bars of the first song. Then she played the first 4 bars of the next song. After a few songs, she said, "Oh, my God! They all sound the same!" It was a very gratifying moment. --Zoe

(In all fairness Zoe, even Mozart sounds a little repetitive sometimes....)
Well, that's all for now.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Contact Your Congressman

There is very important legislation that needs to be passed. Please read the following carefully and call your Congressboy today!


Purpose: To encourage people with hoopty cars to be considerate of others.


Section 1: WHEREAS; if your car alarm has been making that exceedingly irritating noise for more than 5 minutes, AND you are nowhere within ear-shot of your car, WHICH means that it can't be that important to you anyway, I have the right to shoot your car.

Section 2: WHEREAS; if your car alarm goes off, AND if your car is more than 5 years old, AND is made by Pontiac or GMC, I have the right to shoot your car and slap you in the face when you DO show up for having a car alarm on a car that no one wants to steal in the first place.

Section 3: WHEREAS; if your car alarm goes off after 11:00 pm, I have the right to shoot your car immediately, AND slap you silly when you show up for waking me up with your @#$% car alarm.

I would have posted this yesterday (April 1) but I didn't want anyone to think I was joking.