Wednesday, June 27, 2007

more things to chuckle at

I love how people use language sometimes. Some recent examples:

1. Pepsi Max
I have a sibling who accused me of shilling for Coke recently when I was actually making fun of them (Coke that is, not the sibling. I would never do such a thing to my beloved sibling. No. Honest. Really.) In the interest of parity, I shall now bust on Pepsi.
I recently saw in my local Stop n Shop "Pepsi Max". Hmmm, what makes it "Max" you say? Looking on the can, all I could find was that it was an "invigorating" soda. Goodness me, is this a soda that comes with a cold shower? $10 off your next purchase of amphetamines? It took degrading myself by watching "The Bachelor" to see the commercial that mentioned the added ginseng and caffeine. How much more of a buzz do you need from your beverage that ordinary caffeine and sugar don't supply?

2. Village of the Damned
A little liberal arts college in the bucolic New England mountains has on the map of the campus "Village of Learning" This struck me as funny. Is it really necessary to point out that on this spot on the campus learning occurs? What else is there? The Town of Eating? The Hamlet of Sleeping? What else would go on at a college but learning? Or should I say what else should be going on? I could understand this sort of marking on a map for a preschool. You know, differentiating between the learning area and the play area but for goodness sake, if you're paying some serious cash for college, I would think you could figure out where the learning is happening on your own.

3. Curiously... curiously...curious?
A friend of ours was recently described as curiously soulful. Is this like "I didn't know you could be soulful?" or "You're introspective in a Curious George kind of way?" Just what was the author trying to say? "You're so corporate I didn't know you had a soul?"
I had to go to my trusty 1828 Webster's to look up curiously. It is defined as "With nice inspection, inquisitively, attentively" as in "you have inspected soulfulness with attention". It is also defined as "With nice care and art; exactly, neatly, elegantly" as in "You are neatly soulful. Those other guys might be sloppy but you are elegant in your soulfulness!" The last definition is "In a singular manner, unusually" as in "Wow, you're focused in you soulfulness, how unusual" I dunno. Just playing with words.
Anyway, for something so hard to define it is not a unique description. I got 63,800 hits when I Googled "curiously soulful". One was for a punk Korean group, one was for an alternative music group called the Clogs and one was for the old time musical Carousel. You're in good company Mark.

Love or Why do I hurt myself?

I don't know why I keep doing this. This insanity has got to stop. Yet every year its the same thing. The kids do some reading for the local library reading program. As a result, they earn a ticket for a free meal at Home Town or Old Country Buffet AND WE GO THERE AND EAT!!!! Why does this upset me? (bad language warning here) BECAUSE THE FOOD SUCKS!!!! It sucks out loud! It sucks in ways that are ineffable! How do the execs at this company sleep at night? I paid $11.00 for a buffet that included a steak that looked remarkably like a Payless faux leather shoe I threw out last week! They had the nerve to charge me $3.00 so my son could eat a 1/4 cup of instant mashed potatoes, a box mix cookie and call that a meal! I half expect to look in the kitchen and find piles of Stouffer's boxes on the floor with ex-cons chained to microwave ovens chanting "pull back plastic, heat for ten minutes, remove carefully and serve". Add this to the fact that everyone and their dog is walking around the buffet with their unwashed hands sniffing and snuffling (sneeze guard, my foot!). Just what is that mysterious smell by the ice cream machine!?!
But the children love it. They're so happy when I suggest we go. And why not? Where else can they have a carbohydrate extravaganza for dinner along with a dessert buffet? My one child ate a piece of bread, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and one fish nugget (batter dipped, of course). The Department of Youth and Families should be storming my house about now yelling, "How about some nutrients with those sugars?" But again, the children love it and my short term memory fails me, so every year we go. Next year, please, for the love of all that's good and tasty, some one call me and tell me to stop the madness.